Sunday, September 24, 2006
Snap Crackle Pop Slain in Cereal Murder
posted by Mentok @ 9:56 PM,
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Wednesday, September 13, 2006
9 in 10 Allergic to Farts
Hamburg, Germany (FN) - A groundbreaking new scientific study has shown that past allergy concerns have been peanuts compared to a pandemic global outbreak of what has been dubbed "toxic flatulence shock."
The German study, conducted at the University of Hamburg, suggests that up to 90 per cent of the human race may suffer from acute reactions to gastronomic gases.
"Reactions to flatulence range from feelings of nausea to violent outbursts and panic attacks. Although rare, there are recorded cases of high-risk individuals going into cardiac arrest after exposure to flatulent emissions. Farts are no laughing matter," said Dr. Franz Heinrich.
The exhaustive $30 million study was funded by the German government. The flatulence-prone country has long been under of cloud of shame for failing to meet European Union air quality standards. Chancellor Angella Merkel recently declared a "Krieg auf Blähung" (war on farts) and pledged to invest the nation's resources into clearing the air.
Reaction to the study was quick and constructive. Schools throughout Germany declared themselves "Fart-Free Zones". Students have been forbidden to bring lunches containing sausage, deep-fried foods, pork, legumes or cabbage. Despite protests from teachers and some parents, German school administrators have also removed beer from vending machines and lunch rooms in all primary schools throughout the nation.
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posted by Mentok @ 3:25 PM,
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