Wednesday, September 13, 2006
9 in 10 Allergic to Farts
Hamburg, Germany (FN) - A groundbreaking new scientific study has shown that past allergy concerns have been peanuts compared to a pandemic global outbreak of what has been dubbed "toxic flatulence shock."
The German study, conducted at the University of Hamburg, suggests that up to 90 per cent of the human race may suffer from acute reactions to gastronomic gases.
"Reactions to flatulence range from feelings of nausea to violent outbursts and panic attacks. Although rare, there are recorded cases of high-risk individuals going into cardiac arrest after exposure to flatulent emissions. Farts are no laughing matter," said Dr. Franz Heinrich.
The exhaustive $30 million study was funded by the German government. The flatulence-prone country has long been under of cloud of shame for failing to meet European Union air quality standards. Chancellor Angella Merkel recently declared a "Krieg auf Blähung" (war on farts) and pledged to invest the nation's resources into clearing the air.
Reaction to the study was quick and constructive. Schools throughout Germany declared themselves "Fart-Free Zones". Students have been forbidden to bring lunches containing sausage, deep-fried foods, pork, legumes or cabbage. Despite protests from teachers and some parents, German school administrators have also removed beer from vending machines and lunch rooms in all primary schools throughout the nation.
posted by Mentok @ 3:25 PM,
3 Comments:
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At 9:20 PM,
jamwall said...
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that guy in the pic has pretty advanced fart protection.
in the old days, we would just wrap the collar around our faces expecting that to be adequate protection. -
At 3:19 AM,
Canadian Sentinel said...
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Generally, farts are hilarious. But sometimes not...
Like the time I stupidly ate cottage cheese without first checking the expiry date on the bottom of the container.
I blew up like a methane/sulfur dioxide balloon, producing rectal roars about every thirty seconds for about twelve hours. I couldn't sleep at all that night. The anally-originating aroma wafting from under the covers was just way, waaaay too much...
Always check the expiry date on dairy products, folks.
And, kids, don't try that at home!! -
At 4:23 AM,
Bathroom Hippo said...
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I like the layout. When the heck are you gonna get some movies, opinions, reviews, and "profundities" ?
Probably never =P
