Fun With News

Driving While Buzzed

2007-04-11T10:43:00.000-07:00

GREATER VANCOUVER - A Langley man who offered a novel defence at his impaired driving trial --that his wife was using a vibrator, causing him to weave on the freeway -- was convicted of impaired driving Thursday.

He will be sentenced May 7 in Port Coquitlam Provincial Court.

Kristopher Lind testified that it wasn't the effects of the 10 beers and a double cocktail, consumed earlier in the day, that attracted police attention on Highway 1.

He said his attention was on his wife, who was using a vibrator bought that day at a sex show in Vancouver.

"Would it be fair to say that you found this distracting?" asked defence lawyer Bruce Ralston, who is also MLA for Surrey-Whalley.

The 28-year-old accused agreed. "She was really enjoying it," Lind testified.

Lind told the court that he and his wife had been to the Naughty But Nice Sex Show at the Vancouver Convention and Exhibition Centre on Jan. 16, 2005, where they bought a vibrator.

After the show, they went to the No. 5 Orange strip club, then to another strip bar, then they went dancing at the Roxy nightclub on Granville Street, leaving about 10 p.m., he said.

He testified he consumed 10 Bud Light beers and a double cocktail over the course of the day, which included brunch, lunch and dinner.

He had his first drink about 2 p.m., he said.

Lind recalled he and his wife were driving in Vancouver, headed toward Highway 1, when he and his wife decided to check out the vibrator.

"We decided it would be fun to unwrap it and see if it works," Lind told Judge Bryce Dyer.

He explained the sex toy was wrapped in hard, laminated plastic, making it difficult for his wife to open.

She handed it to Lind while he was driving. He opened the package with one hand, using his knee to help steer the car.

His wife put the batteries in but it didn't work. Lind took it from her, looked at the instructions on the bottom and realized his wife had put the batteries in backwards.

He removed the batteries and put them back in, again using his knee to steer the car.

Once the device was working, his wife began using it while Lind was driving eastbound on Highway 1 in the inside lane. He said he was going the speed limit -- 90 km/h.

"She was really enjoying it, obviously, and I was . . . driving along and I saw . . . a car on the shoulder pull out quickly into the curb lane, and the police lights came on.' "

He was arrested after he failed a roadside breathalyser test. He denied he was driving while drunk.

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[Source: Vancouver Sun, March 31, 2007]

I would like to dedicate this posting to my lovely wife, Library Mama, who is celebrating her first blogiversary. Why don't we have dates like this anymore, honey? ;-)

Nasty Valentines

2007-02-14T10:25:00.000-08:00

Enjoy! (and Happy Valentine's Day everybody)

Scientists Try to Fool Tardy Doomsday

2007-01-17T13:27:00.000-08:00

London (FN) - Officials working for the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists announced today that they had advanced the Doomday Clock by two minutes in a desperate attempt to keep Doomsday on time for appointments.

"I have been working with Doomsday since the 1950s and the constant delays, procrastination and tardiness just drives me nuts. We hear that Doomsday is coming, so we schedule a lunch, but then Doomsday doesn't show. How are we expected to cater events properly? It's just bad manners if you ask me," said bulletin editor Mark Strauss.

Former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev added his voice to the list of complaints about Doomsday's tardiness.

"All through the Soviet era, we kept hearing 'oh, set off another nuclear test and Doomsday will come right away'. So we'd do test after test but no Doomsday. Now the Soviet Union is gone and we never got to meet Doomsday," said Gorbachev.

The current plan hatched by the Bulletin's staff involves artificially advancing the Doomsday Clock by two minutes to fool Doomsday into thinking he's late when he's actually right on time.

"I did this bit on my roommate in college and it worked great. The main thing is to keep it all on the down-low. If Doomsday knows his clock is two minutes fast, then he'll just adjust and we'll be right back where we started. So if you see Doomsday, remember ix-nay on the ast-fay ock-clay," said Strauss.

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ROLLING'S TONES PLAY MISSOULA

2006-10-03T11:17:00.000-07:00

Missoula MT - Montana music fans were visibly moved by emotion at last night's sold out performance by famed indie folk band the Rolling's Tones.

The Rolling's Tones famous bleeding heart logo

Concert goers from as far away as Utah listened in stunned silence as Tones lead singer Mitch Jaeger started off the evening with the band's signature song "Kisses Sweet As Wine".

Audience members, who had paid as much as $500 to see the band billed as The Greatest Folk Band on the Eastern Seabord, soon erupted into a frenzy of emotion, apparently in glee at seeing their beloved band. Fifteen minutes into the show, security guards called a halt to the performance due to the excessive enthusiasm of the apparently delighted fans.

The Rolling's Tones, who take their name from Jaeger's home town of Rolling, New Hampshire, include harpist Charlene Waughts, tamborine player Richard Keith and harmonicist Ron Woodsworth. The band has become famous in the New England coffee house circuit for their gentle, lyrical tunes which often confront themes of environmental awareness and gender equality. Front man Jaeger has been described by the Village Voice as "like Sufjan Stevens on anti-depressants" and by the L.A. Indie Times as "the Perry Como of the macrame and tofu generation."

During an interview earlier in the day at a local Missoula radio station, Jaeger thanked Montana fans for their warm welcome.

"Today I had a group of people come right up to my car, pound on the window and shout 'You're not Mick Jagger, you're not Mick Jagger!' Right on! Indeed I am not. Thanks for getting it," said Jaeger.

In a humorous side story, ticket sellers today have been dealing with a rash of disgruntled but dim-witted ticket buyers.

"It seems some people thought they were buying tickets to the Rolling Stones. Yeah, as if the Stones would ever play Missoula, Montana. What are these people smoking?" said one tour promoter.

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Snap Crackle Pop Slain in Cereal Murder

2006-09-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

9 in 10 Allergic to Farts

2006-09-13T15:25:00.000-07:00

Hamburg, Germany (FN) - A groundbreaking new scientific study has shown that past allergy concerns have been peanuts compared to a pandemic global outbreak of what has been dubbed "toxic flatulence shock."

The German study, conducted at the University of Hamburg, suggests that up to 90 per cent of the human race may suffer from acute reactions to gastronomic gases.

"Reactions to flatulence range from feelings of nausea to violent outbursts and panic attacks. Although rare, there are recorded cases of high-risk individuals going into cardiac arrest after exposure to flatulent emissions. Farts are no laughing matter," said Dr. Franz Heinrich.

The exhaustive $30 million study was funded by the German government. The flatulence-prone country has long been under of cloud of shame for failing to meet European Union air quality standards. Chancellor Angella Merkel recently declared a "Krieg auf Blähung" (war on farts) and pledged to invest the nation's resources into clearing the air.

Reaction to the study was quick and constructive. Schools throughout Germany declared themselves "Fart-Free Zones". Students have been forbidden to bring lunches containing sausage, deep-fried foods, pork, legumes or cabbage. Despite protests from teachers and some parents, German school administrators have also removed beer from vending machines and lunch rooms in all primary schools throughout the nation.

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